Africa

Can't believe it's already been 2 weeks since I got to England. Time flies like mad! That and we've been keeping ourselves occupied. Went to see Transformers 3. Aaron's sister got us tickets to the biggest screen in London, the IMAX experience. It actually felt like 3D. It was amazing how much I enjoyed it, cause usually the 3D movie's I've seen aren't that great.

Tomorrow we are going to one of Aaron's friends birthdays. I never do well in social situations so I'm a bit scared, cause once again, I won't know anyone. Hope it won't be too bad.

And finally, we are going to Kenya - Mombasa on monday! Can't wait.

Wish me luck!

Thesis?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the sophisticated type to actually write a thesis, defend it and then graduate. I keep thinking that I don't actually want a degree. Just many skills in the things I like. Is it asking for too much? Doing what I want with my life?

I guess I'm just scared. I loved defending my high school last art piece to all my teachers even if I was nervous as f***. But defending a high level thesis at the end of my third year does not sound like me. I know people keep telling me 'oh degree this, degree that' and a part of me wants to prove that I can do it. But a bigger part doesn't want to do it just cause I don't want to. Plus nowadays a bachelors degree is nothing and I don't feel that tempted to go for my masters.

When I was defending my art piece I felt like I created something beautiful and meaningful for me. It was something I put my heart into. But a thesis is just something I 'have' to do to graduate. So much text and graphs, it's all too technical. But that's what I should expect from IT, right?

I don't know what to think. I like 50% of the subjects. Php(tho I'm not that good at it, but I intend to improve), html, css, the graphics subjects like Computer graphics, Digital Media, Photography basics, Multimedia - they were all super awesome for me. And I want to continue with them. I want to have another go at photography cause I had so much fun with it. I just wish I had the means to try new stuff out. I want to do more with photoshop and I wouldn't mind trying Flash again. But I'd always feel guilty if I'd had to study for another theory subject at uni and I'm off doing the fun stuff for me.

So what is the thing I should try to please. Make people proud of me and then pursue my own dream? But what if it's too late then. Or just go at it right from the start? Which could mean not a great future cause I don't have the degree to put on my CV?

Drafts

I've started 3 drafts, one every few weeks and never got to posting them cause I didn't have the time to finish em. But I'll try to sum up what's been going on.

I've been relearning Java and I think I just don't have the brain for it. I can do simple codes and mostly by copy pasting and just adjusting that.

I haven't been feeling really great about myself again for a few weeks. Sure I've studied so I should feel in some way accomplished but I don't. I want to be more but I don't have the belief in myself to pursue the things I want. And sometimes I hate having my future in a fog I can't see through.

Sometimes I wish I could change the way I think when it comes to relationships.

I feel like a little kid. Inexperienced and not knowing what to want out of life scares me. Or well, I can dream of what I'd like but dreams go to the distance of unrealistic. One thing I do know though - I want to be happy. But then again, who doesn't.

You think I'm pretty
without any make-up on
You think I'm funny
when I tell the punch line wrong
I know you get me
so I'll let my walls come down, down

Before you met me
I was a wreck
but things were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
now every February
You'll be my valentine, valentine

Let's go all the way tonight
no regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever

You make me
feel like
I'm living a teenage dream
they way you turn me on
I can't sleep
let's runaway
and don't ever look back
don't ever look back

My heart stops
when you look at me
just one touch
now baby I believe
this is real
so take a chance
and don't ever look back
don't ever look back

we drove to Cali
and got drunk on the beach
got a motel and
built a fort out of sheets
I finally found you
My missing puzzle piece
I'm complete

I might get your heart racing
in my skin-tight jeans
be your teenage dream tonight

If it's love, it's meant to be.

It's hard, but I know it's worth the time and wait.

Less than 2 weeks to go until I go to england for christmas and new years. I can't wait. I need to get all my studying done in the next few days tho. Or well, more like today and tomorrow. Cause I know once Cata comes out I want to level :( It's sad, but at least I admit it! So I'll probably be busy for a while. With studies and leveling ^^ Tho yeah, I still know I need to priorities my studies. I've done quite a bit with the last few weeks tbh, so I feel kind of good about myself.

Thursday I'm going to that hairdresser I mentioned in my previous post. I hope it'll turn out alright.

part 1

Went out with people on friday and after that me, Meka and V went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows(part 1). The first impression of the movie was "it was crap and empty". But when I took my time and thought the whole movie through I started to like it more. Cause the movie did have loads of bits that made me laugh and some bits that made me jump out of my skin. And I admire movies that can get that out of me. But still... compared to the book, the movie seemed empty.

Saturday I bought the pretty shoes! Woo~ Otherwise, this weekend was slack and got to pvp it up in wow with Aaron and later with Jeffrey as well. It was fun. And this week I'll be studying even harder than I did last week. I really need to get stuff done so I wouldn't feel bad slacking on wow and so I would have very little to do when I'm in england next month. Am hoping I'll only have to study for exams when I'm down there.

Where's the snow?

I'm going backwards through time at the speed of light

I'm yours, you're mine

two satellites not alone

no, we're not alone

A freeze-frame of your eye in the strobelight

sweat dripping down from your brow

hold tight, don't let go

don't you let me go

And I never was smart with love

I let the bad ones in and the good ones go

but I'm gonna love you like I've never been hurt before

I'm gonna love you like I'm indestructible

Your love is ultra magnetic and it's taking over

this is hardcore

and I'm indestructible

Hands up in the air like we don't care

we're shooting deep into space

and the lasers split the dark

cut right through the dark

It's just us we ignore the crowd dancing

fall to the floor

beats in my heart

put your hands on my heart

Sometimes things are different than you imagined. I admit I've been kinda blind when being with some people. And I've thought them to be better than they seem, apparently. Though, I guess people can say what they want and I just need to hold my head high and not care. It's sad when the person was someone you thought was kinda close to you though. But nonetheless I'm gonna get over it!

I've been trying to build up some confidence. I just can't find anything to concentrate on and actually bring myself to believe in myself I guess. But I'm slowly, step by step getting there. I've been fiddling around with photoshop and trying to learn it so my skills wouldn't be so one-sided.

A huge part of me also wants to get behind a camera and take photos. I think I've found another passion for myself and I've been playing around with the small cheap camera we have, but it's very limited. So If I ever do get a job, that's where my first paycheck is gonna go.

Going to England for Christmas! And meeting Aaron's family. And we all know asian families are huge. And since I'm from Estonia(Russia) they'll probably be curious about everything. So I hope I can work my shyness and use talking about how things are here to my advantage.

I'm also going to go see a hairdresser. For the first time... in my life. So far I've cut my own hair. I think it was some mentality like 'if I screw up, there's only me to blame'. Now, I'm trusting my hair to another person. That's a big thing for girls! Or it should be!

Today, me and Elise went to browse some shops in town. I found an adorable dress but sadly, they didn't have my size so I'm gonna try my luck in a different shop to see if they have my size. And Elise pointed out some 'adorable' shoes. I'm gonna go ahead and be girly here - they were BEAUTIFUL *SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*. It's not very often I find shoes I really really like.

And yes, I will keep on trying to post more!

The New Beginning - Going Solo

Over the few months I've had the idea of blogging only a few times but never got to it.

It actually disturbs me how some people get their own ideas on stuff they know nothing about. Or it's just their paranoia driving them in the wrong direction. Looking back though, I think I've done that too. So far I've thought that my past just doesn't want to let go of me. But I think it has. Just like I've let go of it. We all need to turn to the new paragraph when the old one has finished.

My brother celebrated his birthday in August and it was fun. I got to see many of my good friends and we had a blast!

Lectures started again in september. This semester I thought of taking less programing and went for Theory of Management and Advertising theory. \o/ I still have XML applications though. But it doesn't seem that difficult and mindfucking.

November had many parties.. My brother hosted them. Since he left for the army today he wanted his last few weeks to be full of fun and parties with his dear friends. That of course ended with a huge mess in our apartment(since our parents left for a month we could).

Now that my brother left I have the apartment to myself for a few days. Fun times! Also the few weeks after wednesday should be eventful for me. Was invited to a party on the weekend and a sushi-night is also planned. Then of course there's Scott Pilgrim and Step Up to watch! Wonder if it's any good in 3D. But I imagined I won't find many people who would be up for watching it with me.